I let some of the anger go today. Anger is my defense mechanism. I don’t know when I developed this, because I remember being anything but angry when my Mom died. I was sad and heartbroken but I never got angry.

At the beginning of the summer shit started to hit the fan and all I felt was anger. I’ve been angry for going on 3 months. That can’t be healthy. What is that saying? Anger is one letter short of Danger?

The sea of angry water retreated somewhat today and I felt for the first time the hurt of others around me. I quickly “got control” and let the anger protect my heart from feeling any more. The truth is, (my real life friends that have heard me bitch) the family has A TON of issues yes, BUT they also (when not being a major pain in my ass) act like they care for me when I am there.

I guess it’s just family dynamics that I’m not used to. I don’t have any siblings, much less any that complain about each other on a normal basis. Another truth? C tries so hard to be what I want him to be a lot of the time. Things I’ve neglected to mention because I’m angry. Sometimes I think I’m not fair to him. I acknowledge only his faults and nothing else. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty I could punch him in the face for. But through these bad times I know that he would defend me over what his family says anytime, any place. And he has on numerous occasions.

For a moment I remembered why I fell in love today. My heart broke for him because of the pain he was feeling. But the anger is still there, bubbling beneath the surface. I’m trying to put it away, at least until a better time. It’s hard. I hope I can hold it back for 2 more days at least. But I feel it boiling to the surface sometimes, and now is not the right time.

So send me positive vibes, because believe me, I need them.

I finally did it, I broke down and bought a laptop. MA will back me up here, I’ve been talking about buying another laptop for a good six months (my previous one died a horrible death, hard drive crashing taking everything with it). But financially it never seemed like the right time. Is there ever a right time financially? Really? I don’t ever seem to have one, for anything.

Anyhow, I went to Best Buy to buy a printer because ours died a little while ago and I had every intention of scrapbooking today. I pulled out my table and all my billions of supplies. I took one look at everything and got overwhelmed so I decided to get a printer so I could print out sayings and quotes because my handwriting really sucks. I think it’s because I hardly ever write anything anymore, I just type. Much easier and cleaner. W

hoa, I’m getting off track. So Best Buy, I had to walk past the laptops to get to the printers and I was drawn so I bought one, along with a printer. Here she is, she’s pretty and perfect. I don’t plan on doing much other than basic office work and internet surfing on it, so this Toshiba suits me just fine. I spent 2 hours setting her up (I have no idea why she’s a girl, though now I have to name her. So I”m sitting on my patio enjoying the nice weather and catching up on email and blogs.

I’ve also started playing with scrapblog again….LOVE! I love it even more that I can sit wherever I want and be able to be creative. I’m starting to wonder if digital scrapbooking is more my thing. That would be ashame since I have all kinds of paper and supplies.

Sunday night or maybe early Monday morning we were at the cottage in Port Sanilac. I was having a dream that this fat guy was coming at me so I punched him. And then a sound woke me up and I started to giggle.
Groggily C whispered in the dark, “what was that?”
I answered between giggles, “I just punched the wall”

I don’t know why I find this so hysterical. Maybe because I wonder how many times I do things like this and never hit anything because of the way the bed is positioned at home. I mean really, how hilarious would it be if at night my arms are flailing. 😉

I do know that when I was little I used to sleepwalk. Not far, usually in the morning there would be clothes pulled out of my dresser drawers. I haven’t done it in years but it makes me wonder if I could start sleepwalking again. Ew that’s kind creepy.

When I was up north with LW she woke me up because she was laughing in her sleep. Not quietly giggling but loudly cracking herself up. I thought that was a little odd, I’ve heard of talking in your sleep or even crying but laughing?

Do you know anyone that sleep walks or does strange things in their sleep?

It’s official, I’m a Michigan Up North snob…

C and I ventured to Port Sanilac this past weekend. I’m kind of obsessed with Lake Huron. It’s kind of my lake…you got that MINE! (haha) We rented this great cottage we found on craig’s list. (any of you Michigan readers that are looking for a place to rent I have tons of phone numbers!) The place was great, it was owned by a family and you could see the Lake from the window. The cottage was 2 bedrooms with all the trimmings of a real up north cottage. You know the mismatching curtains and pictures of ships and freighters. We even walked by the realty offices and looked at the properties they had posted in the windows.

So why am I a snob you ask?

Simple.

Port Sanilac is in the thumb area of Michigan. It’s about an hour and a half from Detroit. The coastline is covered with huge houses that have 2 mile long driveways to the main road. I’m not saying ALL the houses are ginormous, but a majority of them are. (And please…don’t get me wrong it’s beautiful there, I just missed my special up north place) When I go “up north” I want forests, rivers, wide open space, canoeing, kayaking AND Lake Huron.

All I got was Lake Huron. I’m sure there was somewhere close by that I probably find all the other stuff but I WANT IT TOGETHER. Yes, I did just throw myself on the floor with my arms and legs flailing…don’t judge.

I like going to new places but I don’t think I’ll ever find a place I’m as comfortable at than Oscoda. I guess part of me doesn’t like change. I like getting excited when I get the intersection of M-65 and US-23 (I still remember when the flea market used to be at that corner). My heart starts to race as I see the coastline of Lake Huron when we get closer and closer to Tawas.

I have flashbacks of the smell of pee when I pass Tawas Beach (the slide came out of the whale’s mouth and all I can remember is not wanting to play there cuz it smelled funny *wrinkles nose). I always say I want to stop at the marina and get ice cream and I have to mention how I lost my bubble gum ice cream off the cone. I just HAVE TO!

So I think you get my point. There is only one place that I’m going to buy a cottage. And I promise you that I will…one day.

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So the actual trip was nice though, for the most part. C and I did our best not to kill one another and we had a pretty ok time. It rained A LOT and there was no tv in our cottage. I didn’t have a problem with this at all, someone had left a book called Shocking Pink by Erica Spindler that I started and had to finish. When we got up there Saturday the weather looked iffy, but we chanced it and walked the beach to find something to eat.

When we exited the restaurant it was POURING. We got totally soaked. We went back and got the car and ventured to the nearby grocery store to pick up something for dinner in case the rain didn’t let up. Luckily, it did and we walked back up to the marina for Music at the Harbor. It was a gorgeous night and we only snipped at each other a little (really this is good). I also got a huge waffle cone full of berry crisp ice cream so I was in heaven.

Sunday it rained and rained and rained all morning so we holed up. C found some magazines to peruse in the pile that was left on the coffee table and we made breakfast and coffee around noon. The sun actually started to peak out so we hurried to get our running shoes on. It was ridiculously windy, but the run felt good. We went into Lexington and explored and then came back to the cottage.

We walked back to Uri’s for dinner and sat and talked. We walked around and ended up on the fishing part of the marina where I laid down at the end to watch the clouds move. It was still really windy so it was a good evening for it. Unfortunately, C doesn’t find the excitement in this so I didn’t get to just hang out for an hour. I talked C into more ice cream, this time I got butter pecan…OMG YUM! I really could care less about the food, ice cream for dinner would have suited me just fine.

You guys there is a story I want to share with you, but it involves things that I don’t want to announce to the whole g’damn world. It’s all about fate and how I believe whole heartedly that everything does happen for a reason. I’m still trying to figure out how to share it with you. Tonight it’s all I can think about, but my head has been throbbing since about 2:30 this afternoon so it’s going to have to wait until another day.

I know that’s such a teaser, I truly apologize.

In other news:

I woke up this morning thinking it was Friday…it obviously, is not.

I’m going away this weekend to the east side of the state to stick my feet in Lake Huron and enjoy the sun on my face. I bought yet another pair of running shoes so I’m excited to find some trails.

I got a voicemail yesterday that made me smile and cringe at the same time. The message consisted of an awkward thank you and lots of pauses. It made me smile because I wasn’t expecting it but I also cringed because of all the awkwardness on the other end.

I have cemented the fact that no matter what, I will never agree with c when he says rude things about my dad and this irritates c to no end. I don’t think I should apologize for this. He is my dad and the only immediate family I have left. I wish c would realize and accept this.

I HATE when I’m having a moment of reflection and I am in a quiet mood and someone asks me if I’m crabby. And when I say no they argue. WHY DID YOU ASK IF YOU ALREADY HAD AN ANSWER?! Even if it was the wrong one.

I have so many things I want to say but they seem trapped in my head.

And now I’m going to lay down before my head explodes and someone will have to clean up the brain matter.

I’m crabby.

What I’d really like to be doing, is not sitting on the computer, endlessly evaluating my life.

I’d like to be up north enjoying a peaceful canoe ride. Feeling the sun on my shoulders and face and listening to nature.

But I do not live somewhere where it’s easy to access a canoe, much less a fucking river.

I’m pretty sure I should just go take a nap before someone’s face gets broken.

Do you ever have those conversations when at the time what you said seemed perfectly normal but afterwards as you are mentally skimming through your dialogue you think “WTF was I thinking when I said that?!”?

Yeah I was talking to a friend (we’ll call Ford) who I haven’t spoken with in quite some time and we are getting reacquainted. We’ve been talking for a couple of months now but our conversations are few and far between. At one point in time we were pretty close but then life got in the way.

So anyhow, I’m talking to Ford on the phone about nothing much really. Our conversations aren’t stellar, sometimes they are a little awkward and I wonder why we even try to get to know each other’s lives. Wow, I’m obviously procrastinating telling you the dumb thing I said! Ford’s birthday is coming up and I suggested that a tattoo is a cool thing to get on your birthday.

Mostly because last year on my 25th I did exactly that. Ford agreed and decided to think about it. I was JOKING when I said we said we should get something similar so after another billion years of not talking we’ll recognize each other. Ford laughed and talked about possible tattoo designs. I don’t think Ford took what I said in a weird way but after I hung up I was like “Why the fuck would I say that?” And now I’m spending my night cringing every time I think about it!

I do this a lot. I guess it’s just a personality fault. After spending time with or talking to someone I don’t know that well I analyze our conversations and my actions wondering if I did something offensive or strange. I know I shouldn’t care and after awhile I do get tired of thinking about it and just let it go.

I can be such a dork! But now that I wrote it out and am sharing it with you awesome people, I don’t feel so idiotic.

One thing about me is that I have never spent over $30 on jeans or anything really. I’m kind of cheap. I mean I would love to but I don’t have the extra cash for splurging. So while I was at Macy’s today I was trying on jeans. Sticking to the ones that were on clearance or $34 (ok so I’d spend $34, but that’s pushing it).

But I tried on a pair of Silver jeans just to try them on and pretend I’d buy them (you do that too right?). They were perfect, so I took a peak at the price tag…$68. But the more I turned and looked at myself in the mirror I told myself that I deserved to have a nice pair of jeans!

So I looked around some more but didn’t see any worth trying on and decided to pay. The lady at the register told me if I used my card I’d get 15% off and I was like “Bonus!” and then she rang the jeans up! They were $36!!!!! And with the 15% off they ended up being $28.90!

when…

I hear and feel the constant thudding

Three Days Grace echos in my ears

mosquitoes attack me alive

I got new trail running shoes today. Well I got my first pair. They are Northface. I’m not sure I feel about them. I feel like I need to ask my cousin N and his girlfriend MK some questions. They both run often and even marathons. They are pretty hard core. Me, I just do it for peace of mind. Anyhow, my arches hurt afterwards, I’m not sure if it’s just cuz I’m not used to jogging or if it’s the shoes. Suggestions?

Oh and PS, they were on sale and the guy gave me an extra 25% off…WOOOO

I hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July. Once upon a time this was one my favorite days. Now it just reminds me of bittersweet memories. I think I’m going to head down to the Tastefest Cityfest in the D. I hope to see some fireworks, that should probably be easy (duh), but I’ll most likely hopefully be too drunk to really SEE them.

Don’t forget to take a minute and remember why we celebrate today.  Keep our troops in your mind, they are the reason we get to do what we do.

Rock on my bloggie friends