Rage Blog

Life is about evolving right? Because if we stay stagnant too long are we really living?
I have had quite a crazy, lovely week. I wasn’t expecting any of it, but I think that’s what makes life so wonderful. I hadn’t been looking for changes in my life. Actually, quite the opposite. I was content with the way things were. I wasn’t searching to ‘rock the boat’.

Tuesday I met my first blogger Ashley. It was really awesome. I know a lot of you have already met great people you’ve connected with through your blog and you know what I’m talking about. It’s a strange feeling to sit with someone you’ve never met in person but you have multiple things to talk about because you do know each other from writing. I guess in the old days that’s what having a pen pal was like, if you got the chance to meet them.

Today because of Sarah, I submitted my application to volunteer at an animal shelter. I’ve been thinking about it since we moved into our new house because the shelter I used to volunteer at is too far for me to get to on a regular basis. It wasn’t until I read Sarah’s post last night about wanting to volunteer somewhere that made me realize that I need to give back. I have a lot to be thankful for and even if it was rough at times, volunteering at an animal shelter is rewarding.

And then the aerial yoga…thank you Mandy and Sarah for inviting me to do this with you. I’ve been looking for a yoga class for the past couple months but the motivation wasn’t stronger than the laziness, plus I didn’t want to go myself. I’m glad I waited, now the three of us can hang in the air and try not to break our faces. It should be highly entertaining since I’m not at all graceful and truth be told I might be a tad scared of heights.

Sometimes though, you have to conquer those fears!

But wait! There is more.

Sarah, Mandy and I are working on getting a Michigan Blogger Meetup arranged! Sarah created a thread on 20sb, so if you live in the mitten go over there and leave a comment about where we should go in January. If you don’t have a 20sb account, you can email/twitter/leave a comment with any of us and we’ll gather up all the information and let you know the details.

Lastly and very personally, I’ve decided to freelance. I’ve wanted to for awhile now and I’m finally building confidence getting my shit together. I miss writing. I have to tell you that it’s hard for me to put myself out there because when I get rejected I take it hard, no matter who it’s coming from. But I’m going to be an adult and suck up the negative and focus on the positive.

Yes, today was pretty awesome!

The rules are to tell you 10 honest things about myself and then pass this beauty along. Since I’m pretty open here (well about things I put up here haha) everything is honest. So here goes!

1. I think my biggest pet peeve is people who are narrow minded and only have an opinion about something because someone else does.  I hate ignorance.   If you don’t have information to back up your opinion you should keep your mouth shut.
2. I think if someone does something nice for you you should acknowledge the act. No one likes being taken advantage of.
3. Recently I’ve realized the importance of saying Thank You and I Love You and meaning it.
4. I think I would die without chocolate and cheese, though preferably not together.
5. I’m pretty sure that the person I think of myself as is not the person everyone else sees.
6. I need help putting together a resume to apply for freelance writing.  I know some of you already do this.  Can I pick your brains? Please?
7. I’m ok with not knowing where I will be in the next 5 years, or year for that matter.  Life is about evolving and I learned I don’t always need to know the answers.  It’s a journey, right?
8. I dress my dogs up, mostly Liko.  He loves and hates it at the same time.  I also do it in secret because I laugh when I see dogs dressed up in public.
9. I believe in gay marriage, the right to adopt, freedom of speech and religion (which sometimes I don’t believe we honestly have) and sometimes I’m a conspiracy theorist.  Though talking with me you may not know that because even though I believe in those things I’m not going to argue with you about it unless you try to pressure me into thinking your way.
10. I love blogging more than chocolate and cheese.  Well…maybe they are tied.  I love you guys

I’d love to hear 10 honest things about you, consider yourself tagged!  Sometimes I hate when bloggers do that because sometimes I feel weird taking stuff off their page, but I’m really giving it to you! LOL

If you do it please let me know!

I’m feeling a little bit guilty. I have a Great-Aunt that was very close to my mom and I’ve tried to keep that perfect daughter/niece view alive but I’m floundering. This past year I’ve realized that though I love spending time with my family I want to start my own traditions.

So for thanksgiving I politely declined showing up to her house at 2pm. C and I have talked and we are spending Christmas Eve apart so we can see both our families. I got an email this weekend from Great-Aunt asking if we would be coming to Christmas Day dinner. I politely declined again because though I have always seen her both days, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, this year I want to spend Christmas Day in my pj’s with my dogs and C.

Is this wrong?

Why do I feel guilty for hurting her feelings? I’ve asked her multiple times to help me set up a time for lunch. She never responded. I know that I could be more aggressive. Does it have to come down to I’m a bad great niece because I want to spend Christmas at home?

You guys, I even emailed her and told her I don’t particularly enjoy the holidays. She never responded. Maybe it’s because she didn’t know what to say. Maybe she is hurt that I’m not coming over. I do not know.

Does this make me a bad person? My greatest fear is that my mom would be disappointed, but on the other hand I’ve always been independent and made my own decisions. She may not like what I’m doing but I think she’d understand. Right?

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I have hit the low point. The one thing that now makes me an adult.

I’ve been fearing this day.

I can take that I like to be in bed by 10 on weekdays and asleep by 11.

I accept that I can’t take multiple swigs from vodka and whiskey bottles without wanting to gag and that stumbling around will lead to a bad morning.

I am responsible and have a 8-5 job.

It’s ok for the most part that girls’ weekends are few and far between.

What I can’t take is that…

I can no longer drink coffee at 8pm at night and still be able to sleep.

I met JP for dinner last night and since we were still chatting I ordered a coffee with Bailey’s and Kahlua in it. (YUM!) Not thinking anything of it. Neither coffee or pop keeps me up. (or so I thought)

I slept maybe 4 hours last night and it was not all at the same time. It was HORRIBLE.

I don’t wanna be an adult.

C and I are thinking about taking a vacation sometime this winter. I’ve said before that I don’t really care for staying in hotels. I like to be able to cook and and have breakfast staples in the fridge. I know that in some hotels you can do this but there is something about staying in a vacation rental that I adore. It’s like borrowing someone’s home for a short stay.

The places that we are considering for our next trip are Las Vegas, Nevada or Key West, Florida. Neither of us has been to either place and we are excited to explore together. Las Vegas has always held some appeal because it seems like one of those places you have to experience at least once. We aren’t big gamblers, we get bored so we would be going just for the sights and entertainment that it has to offer. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Key West since it’s so laid back.

Hopefully our next trip will be this winter, which means that Vegas would be ruled out because we want to go someplace warm! I can just see myself relaxing at my rental with the blender ready to make the next mixed drink!

esterday I asked the Twitter world, “if you could send an email to get closure on an issue you had been dealing with for months would you send it or would you suck it up and keep trying to let the issues go”.

I sent the email yesterday. After months of trying just to let the issue go I decided that there comes a time where I don’t have to put my feelings away and that it’s ok to let them be known. Why should I have to bottle everything up inside?

I know that my email will go unanswered and in all honesty I don’t expect a response. There is really nothing for the other party to say.

I am so glad it’s Friday but I’m also really stressed out about my homework and my midterm coming up. So much so that I’m having dreams about not being able to complete my homework because I don’t understand. In all fairness though, I haven’t exactly read the chapter yet and I’m holding onto hope that if I read it everything will magically make sense. I’m not too sure about that though.

I don’t have any plans for the weekend besides reading 4 chapters and completing the work. My house could use a good cleaning and I think I’d like to bake something.

What are you up to?

Oh and I’ve been meaning to write this because it’s a little crazy. After I posted about Landon I realized I hadn’t talked to J in awhile so I texted him. His response was, “that is so weird I was just thinking about you and I had a dream about you last night!”.

A little weird huh?

Well that afternoon I for some reason searched Landon’s name on Facebook and someone had created an account for him. I honestly was a little creeped out by it because it’s like he’s still here. I would have been much less disturbed by it if it was a fan page or something.

Wait this gets even more interesting.

So while I was at tae kwon do that night LP sends me a message and tells me that she was looking at her friend Courtney’s page and she noticed that one of her friends was Landon, thus finding Landon’s facebook page too.

It’s just crazy that in one day Landon came up numerous times.

One last thing. I’m going to try and take a break from facebook because, daaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnggggggg, it makes me more neurotic than I normally am!

In honor of Labor Day here is a post on all the places I’ve worked:

Hostess – Dario’s Restaurant: I learned how to take orders and about the very interesting type of people that work in restaurants.

Customer Service Associate – Sears: I worked 2 Christmas seasons in the kids department. Never. Again. People are disgusting they pee in dressing rooms. Yes, pee. Sick.

Wayne State – Student Assistant : I worked here for 5 years doing administrative tasks. I actually loved the people I worked with more than the job. We drank and passed out under desks. I had sex once on a said desk. We hung out at the bar afterwards. It was a pretty good time usually. Of course we were all catty talking behind one another’s backs and now I don’t think many of us stayed in touch with one another.

Pure Postcards: It was a mind numbing boring job that I wanted to gouge my eyes out. We were housed in a concrete building with no windows. I took up smoking so I could get a smoke break and hang out on the back deck.

Jani-King – Receptionist: THE. WORST. JOB. EVER. The people were obnoxious and snotty and I was always running around. I was bitchy when I came home every night and I wanted to cry every morning when my alarm went off. A 12-line phone system will do that to you when you have to do all kinds of administrative duties and deal with crabby franchisees. Not to mention your boss is a passive aggressive bitch because she’s as miserable as you are. Not to mention I had to wear pantyhose and dress up EVERY DAY.

Wayne State – Technician: A temporary position doing data entry. Got to hang out with the people from my Student Assistant position but it wasn’t the same.

Current Job – Web Content Admin: LOVE most days.

Where have you worked? What was your favorite job?

Awhile ago I thought I’d try therapy. It didn’t work out for me because the bitch therapist made me want to punch her in the face. I’m sure that the person you are supposed to be spilling your guts to shouldn’t be someone you want to murder. So after the 3rd visit I decided not to go back.

I wasn’t giving up on the idea of therapy but when I called to see if I could see someone else they told me I had to “break up” with my original therapist.

Yeah. That never happened. I feel mostly stable so until I feel like I might fall apart again I think I’ll just keep on doing what I’m doing.

The reason why I’m telling you this is because something she said to me still irritates the hell out of me and I’d like to get your opinion.

I told her truthfully that I NEVER heard my parents argue. I never heard my dad raise his voice to my mom and I never heard her do anything more than a little nagging. I lived with my parents until my mom died when I was 21. 21 years I never heard them raise their voices to one another.

I think if I ever have children I’d want to raise them in the same environment. That kids shouldn’t have to listen to their parents fight.

My therapist said, “that because I never heard them fight is why I have a problem with confrontation, I never learned to deal with it.” So basically I had to hear them fight to learn how to deal with it? What about me fighting with them, I couldn’t learn to deal with it then?

Thoughts? Agree? Disagree?

A little while ago I twittered (or is it tweeted?) asking if it was weird that my dad was facebook friends with my high school boyfriend (we’ll call him JC). If I remember correctly I think a couple people responded saying yes. I’m friends with JC on facebook too but he was friends with my dad first. The truth is JC was close to my parents when we dated. They loved him. My mom especially. She cried when we broke up, well when we broke up the first and last times. I dated JC from the time I was 15 until I went to college. Actually he met me for lunch at Wayne a couple times.

You may wonder what is bringing on this little heart purging. Well a couple months ago after C and I ran into JC he left me a note on my wall basically saying he was happy for me.

The details from back then are hazy. I think I block it out. I don’t remember a lot of things before my Mom died. You think I would hold onto memories but it’s not until something happens that I open up that, time capsule, for lack of a better word. But thinking about it last night on my drive home from work make me cringe. He was my first true boyfriend. We had the typical up and down high school relationship (we attended different high schools). But I think I brought on most of the downs.

I was the typical self-centered, emotional teenage girl. Now all I remember are the bad things I did to JC. He was a nice guy. Maybe too nice. So hopefully after I get this off my chest I will feel better and you won’t think bad of me. (Shell, if you can think of something bad he did to me I’d appreciate knowing, it would make me feel better too haha)

I broke up with him a lot and then tearfully made him get back together with me. At the end of our 3 year on/off relationship I broke up with him over a payphone while I was camping* with Misplaced Momma so I wouldn’t feel bad about kissing Kik.

He came to my Mom’s memorial service and I remember not wanting to talk to him. I hadn’t seen him in at least 2 years and my douchebag boyfriend was there with me. I don’t know if I didn’t want to talk to him because I felt weird that DB b/f was there or because I just didn’t want to deal with it (fact: DB b/f made me go outside and talk to JC when he was leaving). It didn’t occur to me to think about how it affected him. My mom and him had a special bond.

He visited my friend Lisa and asked for my number but Lisa said she’d have me call him and I never did.

Yeah it doesn’t seem like a lot I guess but the memories attached with each statement make me feel like a horrible person especially when JC did things like,

– called to let me know when Landon(who he went to high school with but wasn’t friends with) died and when the funeral was because I had hung out with Landon when we dated.

-would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep

-hung out with my parents and geuinely enjoyed it

-was ridiculously upset every time I broke up with him

-wrote me notes

-drove me anywhere and everywhere

-always hung out with my friends

-etc

I know this post is kind of strange. I hope you don’t take it the wrong way. I have no current feelings for JC except maybe wishing him the best. This is all about me and what a snotty bitch I was in high school. I hope I’ve changed, at least a little.

In truth Oscoda isn’t where I spent my early childhood, that would have been at my Papa’s cottage in National City. Maybe it’s because I only have vague memories of Island Lake and going to my Great Granny’s and that’s why I don’t find it that special. Or maybe because it’s tarnished by events that happened in my teen years that I remember all to well. Regardless, my heart holds a special spot for Oscoda. Beginning more specifically Old Orchard Campground.

I’m not good at making friends. I’m ridiculously shy and I don’t break out of my shell until I get to know you. Every summer at Old Orchard I made a new friend. I became a part of a group. The friendships didn’t last after I went away to college but for those summers I didn’t feel awkward. You ran into some of the same people every year. Some you remembered, some you didn’t.

I’ll never forget being in the camp store and someone yelling my name. I turned around and stood face to face with a boy. And I asked, “Do I know you”. He told me his name and it came back to me but it was still a little funny that there had been so many people the summer before that I honestly couldn’t place him at first.

I used to want to live up there. I always wanted to live somewhere different. Looking back it’s probably because where I was I never felt like I fit in. Luckily, I had a couple close friends but never a group of people.

Years later I still find comfort in visiting. Every year LP and I decided we are going to go at least once. I love girlie weekend. It’s a time to destress and get away from daily life. We’re open to new people joining us. We can’t believe that for the second year it’s just the two of us. I’ll be doing a lot of paddleboating, canoing, drinking and bike riding. Don’t miss me too much (haha). I hope you have a fabulous weekend!