I let some of the anger go today. Anger is my defense mechanism. I don’t know when I developed this, because I remember being anything but angry when my Mom died. I was sad and heartbroken but I never got angry.
At the beginning of the summer shit started to hit the fan and all I felt was anger. I’ve been angry for going on 3 months. That can’t be healthy. What is that saying? Anger is one letter short of Danger?
The sea of angry water retreated somewhat today and I felt for the first time the hurt of others around me. I quickly “got control” and let the anger protect my heart from feeling any more. The truth is, (my real life friends that have heard me bitch) the family has A TON of issues yes, BUT they also (when not being a major pain in my ass) act like they care for me when I am there.
I guess it’s just family dynamics that I’m not used to. I don’t have any siblings, much less any that complain about each other on a normal basis. Another truth? C tries so hard to be what I want him to be a lot of the time. Things I’ve neglected to mention because I’m angry. Sometimes I think I’m not fair to him. I acknowledge only his faults and nothing else. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty I could punch him in the face for. But through these bad times I know that he would defend me over what his family says anytime, any place. And he has on numerous occasions.
For a moment I remembered why I fell in love today. My heart broke for him because of the pain he was feeling. But the anger is still there, bubbling beneath the surface. I’m trying to put it away, at least until a better time. It’s hard. I hope I can hold it back for 2 more days at least. But I feel it boiling to the surface sometimes, and now is not the right time.
So send me positive vibes, because believe me, I need them.