Looking back and cringing

A little while ago I twittered (or is it tweeted?) asking if it was weird that my dad was facebook friends with my high school boyfriend (we’ll call him JC). If I remember correctly I think a couple people responded saying yes. I’m friends with JC on facebook too but he was friends with my dad first. The truth is JC was close to my parents when we dated. They loved him. My mom especially. She cried when we broke up, well when we broke up the first and last times. I dated JC from the time I was 15 until I went to college. Actually he met me for lunch at Wayne a couple times.

You may wonder what is bringing on this little heart purging. Well a couple months ago after C and I ran into JC he left me a note on my wall basically saying he was happy for me.

The details from back then are hazy. I think I block it out. I don’t remember a lot of things before my Mom died. You think I would hold onto memories but it’s not until something happens that I open up that, time capsule, for lack of a better word. But thinking about it last night on my drive home from work make me cringe. He was my first true boyfriend. We had the typical up and down high school relationship (we attended different high schools). But I think I brought on most of the downs.

I was the typical self-centered, emotional teenage girl. Now all I remember are the bad things I did to JC. He was a nice guy. Maybe too nice. So hopefully after I get this off my chest I will feel better and you won’t think bad of me. (Shell, if you can think of something bad he did to me I’d appreciate knowing, it would make me feel better too haha)

I broke up with him a lot and then tearfully made him get back together with me. At the end of our 3 year on/off relationship I broke up with him over a payphone while I was camping* with Misplaced Momma so I wouldn’t feel bad about kissing Kik.

He came to my Mom’s memorial service and I remember not wanting to talk to him. I hadn’t seen him in at least 2 years and my douchebag boyfriend was there with me. I don’t know if I didn’t want to talk to him because I felt weird that DB b/f was there or because I just didn’t want to deal with it (fact: DB b/f made me go outside and talk to JC when he was leaving). It didn’t occur to me to think about how it affected him. My mom and him had a special bond.

He visited my friend Lisa and asked for my number but Lisa said she’d have me call him and I never did.

Yeah it doesn’t seem like a lot I guess but the memories attached with each statement make me feel like a horrible person especially when JC did things like,

– called to let me know when Landon(who he went to high school with but wasn’t friends with) died and when the funeral was because I had hung out with Landon when we dated.

-would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep

-hung out with my parents and geuinely enjoyed it

-was ridiculously upset every time I broke up with him

-wrote me notes

-drove me anywhere and everywhere

-always hung out with my friends

-etc

I know this post is kind of strange. I hope you don’t take it the wrong way. I have no current feelings for JC except maybe wishing him the best. This is all about me and what a snotty bitch I was in high school. I hope I’ve changed, at least a little.